Relationships April 21, 2017
Want to find the healthy relationship you deserve? Here's how.
When you’re first falling in love, the body can do strange things. You get butterflies in your stomach, feel your heart beating faster, and can even become hot and sweaty when you’re around the person you like. These physical sensations can be the sign of something wonderful to come. However, they are also the symptoms of fear or anxiety. When dating someone who is unpredictable and inconsistent, we can even start to confuse the chronic cycle of pre-occupation followed by relief with the euphoria of love. Suffice to say, when it comes to romantic relationships, it can be easy to mistake the anxiety of an unhealthy relationship for passionate chemistry.
So how do you break the cycle of misreading the cues and landing in an unhealthy relationship? And how can you learn to identify a keeper and ditch the guys who are just making you anxious? Here are five easy steps to help you find the healthy relationship you deserve.
If you’re convinced that there are no winners left in the dating pool, you’re more likely to accept subpar behavior. After all, you think, it’s not like you have any other options! Similarly, when you’re not sure where you stand in a relationship, the feeling that you’ve got to make this relationship work at all costs will intensify, as will your anxiety (which might be misinterpreted as chemistry).
However, believing that there are more options out there for you will give you the mental space to see this relationship for what it really is — not the right one for you. This will allow you to drop Mr. Mixed Messages and put yourself back in the dating game.
If you tend to be in relationships with insecure attachment – which is characterized by worry about relationships and preoccupation with your partner’s ability to reciprocate love – you’ll be especially susceptible to avoidant partners. “Avoidants” tend to associate intimacy with a loss of independence. As a result, they try to keep true connections at arms length.
Unfortunately, the dating pool is full of avoidants because they tend to not be in long-term relationships. As such, it is important to try to identify and avoid these folks early on, as it is unlikely that you’ll ever get what you need from them.
Unsure if you’re dating an avoidant? Here are some red flags:
If you think you might be dating someone with an avoidant dating style, you can even take this quiz to find out what style they have. And if you’re curious about your own attachment style, you can take a quiz to find that out too!
In an attempt to seem self-sufficient and confident, we often hide our true needs and hold back our complaints about a relationship. However, I am going to encourage you to do the opposite.
I know this may be counter to a lot of traditional dating advice, but here’s why you need to be up-front about your needs: if you present a needless self, you will attract suitors who want that quality in a partner. And when you do actually begin to express your own wishes (because you’re human), your partner won’t like it.
Additionally, if you depict your genuine self early on, you’ll quickly be able to see how willing and able your date is to meet your needs. For example, a few weeks into dating my husband, I let him know that one of his behaviors was bothering me. Rather than getting defensive or trying to make me feel bad for expressing this, he thanked me for my honesty, took my feedback, and worked on changing the behavior. Instead of being repelled by my needs, my honesty brought us closer. We would never have experienced this growth, though, had I not expressed myself.
I’m not suggesting you show up to your first date with a 10-page document detailing your needs. However, as situations arise, you should be true to yourself, ask for what you need (kindly, yet assertively), and see what happens. Remember that you are looking for someone who is okay with all of you, the good and the bad. The only way to know if this person is a good fit for you is give them an honest view of who you are.
Once you’ve weeded out prospective partners who can’t meet your needs, you need to identify a keeper once you’ve got one. The problem is that, at first, you might feel bored by your available partners. The fact to keep in mind? You aren’t bored because the person is actually boring. You’re bored because you are used to linking chemistry and passion with drama and anxiety.
If there is no drama, the smooth seas may seem like a snooze fest. However, a safe, relationship with someone who can actually meet your needs is what you want in the long run! If you find someone who seems to check all of your boxes except chemistry, try not to immediately think he or she isn’t right for you.
Remind yourself that your old dating strategy wasn’t working that well. So, try a different technique and hang in there a little longer with someone who really values you. Who knows what (chemistry) could happen with time?
When you do end up in a promising relationship, be sure not to get in your own way. Self-handicapping occurs when people people avoid putting genuine effort into something as a way to protect themselves from a potential failure that could tarnish their own self-image or others’ impression of them.
When we believe that we don’t deserve a good relationship or that a healthy relationship isn’t possible for us, we may self-sabotage in some way to avoid the shame of the relationship failing. So be mindful of the desire to say things like, “I know this will never work out,” or to create unnecessary obstacles for yourself, like getting too drunk for your date to get to know the real you. Instead, be yourself, have fun, and give just as much time and attention to this relationship as you would have given one of your former high-chemistry, emotionally unavailable partners.
It’s true, avoiding an unhealthy relationship isn’t easy when you’ve come to equate anxiety with chemistry. However, finding a partner who can truly meet your needs and care for you in a healthy way is worth all the time and effort!
