Breaking up With Someone You Love? Here Are 5 Steps to Ease the Pain

Breaking up with someone is never easy. Breaking up with someone you love is even harder – both for you and your partner.

Your best friend, the so-called “love of your life” and your once go-to person is no longer going to be there. And even though you still love this person, you ultimately know that it’s best you part ways.

So how are you supposed to let your soon-to-be-ex-partner down easy (while also taking care of yourself)? Here are 5 steps to help you move on.

1. Start by making sure you’re making the right choice.

Sometimes we can let a little fight or argument get to our heads and convince us the relationship is a terrible mess, when in reality it may not be. If there is an issue, take a step back with a clear mind to think about what’s actually wrong. Take the time to make sure you’re not making an impulsive decision that you’ll regret.

In order to do this, though, you need to know what a healthy relationship looks like. “Ask yourself if the relationship [is] a drain on you in any way,” couples therapist and relationship expert Tracy K. Ross shares with Elite Daily. “If so, it is very likely there [is] some aspect that [isn’t] healthy … Your relationship should be energizing, not draining.”

2. See if talking to your partner actually helps resolve your problems.

Communication can go a long way, especially when trying to work on a relationship. But as Ross explains, “the work should be productive – you should feel like you are getting somewhere.” If you’re constantly fighting about the same issues, and your conversations are going around in circles, it’s time to stop talking and start acting.

Unfortunately, no matter how much you enjoy spending time with your partner, going back to the same problem over and over again isn’t productive. If you’re not getting somewhere in the relationship and you feel like you’re constantly moving backward, it’s probably best to walk away.

Hopefully, coming to this realization will help ease the pain of the decision.

3. Think about the timing.

We know, there is never a perfect time to break up with someone. You can at least try and be considerate, though.

Maybe your partner has something going on in their family. Maybe exams are overwhelming. Maybe the work week isn’t the best. We’re not saying to prolong the inevitable to the point you’re breaking up with your partner a year later. We’re simply just suggesting you be considerate about the current situation.

If you can hold off breaking up with them for one or two days, try that. Maybe it’s a good idea to wait until things calm down. This will at least give them adequate time and energy to process the breakup. And for you, you’ll have some peace of mind that you didn’t add more to their plate.

At the end of the day, though, if you really think it’s best to break up ASAP, then at least deliver the message as nicely as possible (i.e. it’s probably not a good idea to break up with them over text).

4. Be understanding while breaking up with your partner.

Breaking up will be hard for both you and your partner, so do what you can to be respectful about it. According to licensed mental-health counselor Samantha Burns, there are a couple of things you can do to “prepare” for a breakup:

• Pick a location that is private and safe to have a serious conversation. “If you don’t live together, break the news at their place so that you can leave when you’re ready,” she tells The Cut.
• Work out the logistics of what happens after the break. If you cohabitate or share finances, make a plan of where you’ll stay and how you’ll divide your belongings.
• Brace yourself for feelings both sides will experience. Burns explains, “Be prepared that your partner may be very hurt and in shock, and need time and space to process the news and how they’d like to manage communication. You’ll likely get emotional too.” But it’s important that you remember you didn’t make the decision lightly, so don’t doubt it after you’ve broken up.
• Be straightforward, empathetic and explain your thinking. Convey clear reasons why you feel the relationship isn’t working.

5. Enjoy some alone time.

Take some time out to really enjoy and figure out who you are as an individual. When we’re in romantic relationships, we tend to become very similar to our partner over time. While this overlap can be good during the relationship, it can become a problem when the relationship ends.

“Generally speaking, when we lose a relationship, we can lose part of ourselves, and become confused about who we are,” social psychologist Erica Slotter, Ph.D. writes on Psychology Today. So, the time immediately after a breakup is critical. Don’t use this time to hop into a rebound, use this time to re-discover who you are in the absence of your ex. “Focus on ways that you can grow as a person, and do things that bring you – just you – happiness.”

No matter how long it takes, you’ll get there.