Relationships July 2, 2019
When should you say those three little words?
“I love you” is a tricky set of words. It can mean so many things when said genuinely and truthfully. But when are we supposed to say these three words to another person?
It’s easy to throw the phrase around a lot. Whether you’re saying it to friends, family members, your favorite band during a concert or even when you’re trying to comfort girls crying in the bathroom at a club. But it always feels like the more we say it, the more it starts to lose its meaning.
We put way too much thought into telling a romantic partner that we love them, but not the same amount of thought into saying it to our friends and family.
Typically, when I hang up the phone, one of the last things I’ll say in some iteration is, “love you, bye.” It’s a form of habit, and I say it almost as automatically as I say hello or goodbye. In my mind, any time I talk to someone could be the last, so I may as well let them know as often as possible how I feel about them.
The ancient Greeks called familial love, “storge.” One of the first things our parents say to us after we’re born is “I love you.” It’s a warm welcome to the world.
Every one of my friends at this point in time has lost at least one grandparent or other family members. When my grandparents started getting sick, their decline was quicker than I could have ever anticipated. It was more important than ever to say, “I love you” to them because it could be the last thing I say to them.
But saying “I love you” to a family member isn’t always the same as saying it to a significant other.
Because we put so much emphasis on the importance of saying, “I love you” to a significant other, it means that more is riding on when and how you say it. It’s less about the true feeling of “love” and more about the meaning that we assign to the phrase. We also worry too much about who should say, “I love you” first.
Remember when we talked about the Greek notion of, “storge”? Many of us feel that strongly for our family and friends. The Greeks also refer to another kind of love which we have all heard of before – Eros. This feeling is more romantic, raw, intense love. How do I differentiate my feelings for a person between storge or eros?
In other words, do I love them, or am I in love with them?
I asked dating expert and professional matchmaker, Alessandra Conti her thoughts on when we should say those three words.
She also talked about the expectations of who in the relationship should say it first. Conti said that, traditionally, men have always been expected to take the lead when it comes to big steps in a relationship. However, straight or bi women get sick and tired of waiting for a man to express his feelings verbally. Also, if you’re a man who has fallen in love with a man, which one of you goes first? Or what if you’re a lesbian? What is the expectation then?
Conti followed up on this question by saying that gender doesn’t matter, and that in each relationship different expectations will arise and it will be hard to navigate who makes, “moves.” Conti really emphasized to follow how you feel in the moment.
“If you’re busting out and bubbling over, go for it,” she said.
Conti explained that people feel “love” in different ways and at different paces. What’s normal for one person may be totally different for another. Some people know in their gut how they’re feeling within a few weeks whereas another person could take a few months to process what they’re feeling as romantic love.
I’m willing to bet that when I find, “The One” I’m going to end up saying, “love you!” while saying goodbye on the phone and not realize until after hanging up that, “oh my god I really just said that.”
The general rule of thumb when it comes to saying, “I love you” is that you should say it when you feel it. Whether the love you’re feeling is for your family, your friends or for a significant other if that’s truly how you’re feeling in that moment? Just say it. Say it loudly and say it often.
