Fighting is completely unavoidable, no matter how hard you try to avoid confrontation. Remember that one scene from “Trainwreck” when Amy Schumer fights with her on-film boyfriend Bill Hader? The minute they start arguing she walks away, believing this is the best thing she can do for her relationship in the moment.
But Bill Hader has a much more calm approach to the situation. He knows that they are just having a fight and that is what you do with close friends and family. They then proceed to work through their fight all night with no resolution. But that’s not the point.
The point is that fighting is natural and healthy, as long as you fight fair and constructively. Here are five ways to fight fair and turn an argument into a constructive dialogue in which both sides win.
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So you’re about to get into a fight with your mom, sister or friend. As you feel things escalating, take a deep breath for a moment. Ask that you both transfer this fight into a more constructive conversation. Then allow each of you to unload your side without being interrupted.
Starting with your feelings takes away the accusatory energy and just lets the other person know how their actions make you feel. For example, “When you do this, I feel like this.” You can’t deny how someone else feels. You can deny accusations though.
READ MORE: Why You Should Always Lead with ‘I’ Statements
So you’re fighting with your sister and her accusations are making you pretty defensive. Before you answer or start yelling, take a deep breath and shift things internally. Ask yourself honestly: Do you borrow her clothes a lot without returning? Have you been taking your stress from work out on her all week? Before getting defensive, see if there is some truth to her side.
It sounds simplified and obvious, but when you are fighting with someone you love, your mind can seem like a water balloon that is about to pop. Don’t let that happen. Think about what you want to say next because if something hurtful comes out of your mouth that you don’t mean, it’s hard to take it back.
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At the end, settle the argument with an agreement that you both are willing to make changes that will help resolve the source of the issue. If you both take responsibility for a problem, no matter how big or small, the argument will end with a team effort from the both of you, strengthening your relationship or friendship in the long haul.
