Relationships February 21, 2017
You think you’ve finally found “the one” – that one person who can make you smile, laugh and feel more loved than you ever imagined. The only problem? Your parents hate your significant other.
What’s a girl to do when her true love and parents don’t seem to mix? To find out, ENTITY talked with social psychologist and author Dr. Susan Newman, sex and relationship expert Rivka Sidorsky, and Dr. Karen Blair, a St. Francis Xavier University assistant professor of psychology who studies relationships.
If your parents seem to hate the new love of your life, here are four expert-backed steps you should take!
Before you do anything, sit down with your parents and listen to what they have to say. As Dr. Blair explains, “Understanding the underlying reasons for someone’s disapproval of your relationship can help you to determine whether to act on that disapproval, or, perhaps how to change the person’s opinion. So, do they disapprove because of something objectively wrong with the relationship (your partner treats you poorly, etc), or do they disapprove because your choice in partner doesn’t match their expectations for you (wrong gender, wrong race, etc.)?”
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Sometimes, your parents may even be able to see issues in your relationship that you can’t. Research has found that humans are biologically wired to repeat (even problematic) behavior. Our neurons prefer familiar pathways, just like our own emotions and psyches often do. As Sidorsky points out, “Your family may be able to provide some valuable insight about your patterns and see warning signs that you can’t.”
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When talking with your parents, you can also explain to them what you love about your S.O. Not sure where to start? Dr. Newman suggests “emphasizing your partner’s best qualities, including ones you may know that your parents admire in others” and telling your parents “how happy your significant other makes you feel.”
Now, talk with your S.O.! Sidorsky advises that you try to “help your significant other understand some of the issues.” For instance, you could explain, “They really wanted me to marry a Catholic. It’s not you, it’s just that this intermarriage thing is very hard for them. I’m sure it will get better in time.”
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You probably shouldn’t tell your partner everything your parents don’t like, though. “If you give a heads up to your partner that your parents are uncertain, that might be upsetting to your partner and make it more intimidating to interact with your parents,” says Dr. Blair. “This could, in turn, create a ‘self-fulfilling prophecy’ situation.” The truth is, your parents might not personally dislike your significant other. In fact, 2016 research found that parents are evolutionarily engrained to prefer “stable” and “respectable” partners for their daughters. Why? They want your partner to increase your odds of being financially supported and extending the family line (aka, reproducing).
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So telling your S.O. that your parents totalllly hate them right off the bat could cause more harm than good. Instead, give your parents time to learn more about your S.O. and develop a stronger (and perhaps not evolutionarily based) opinion. And if your parents keep disliking your S.O., maybe discuss possible tweaks your S.O. could make to help the relationship. For instance, if your parents always complain about how your SO dresses, perhaps you can ask him/her to dress nicer when visiting your folks. Compromising is key!
So what happens when your S.O. and parents have to spend time together? You should keep a couple tips in mind. First, Dr. Newman suggests that you steer the conversation “away from ‘hot’ topics you know your parents and significant other disagree on.” To keep “the interactions as positive as possible,” Sidorsky even advises that you act as a “translator.” Have you ever heard your S.O. tell a joke and known by the cloudy look on your mom’s face that she totally misinterpreted it? Help smooth out any communication issues by explaining what your S.O. really meant.
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At the same time, though, you should “give both sides some space,” according to Dr. Blair, and “let them develop their impressions of each other through direct interactions.” After all, if your S.O. is really “the one,” he or she won’t be leaving your life anytime soon…and you don’t want to feel responsible for “babysitting” every conversation your S.O. and parents share.
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You should also remember to enjoy alone time with your parents, says Dr. Newman. When you fall head over heels, it can be easy to spend all your free time with your S.O. In fact, a 2016 study found that women with a new partner often lose two friends because of time constraints. Show your parents that they’ll still see you, even with a new person in your life.
Family disapproval of the person you think is perfect for you can be frustrating…but don’t rashly decide that their support “doesn’t matter.” Research has discovered that, through the “social network effect,” people’s romantic relationships can actually improve when others approve of their partner. In fact, Dr. Blair reports: “Couples who feel that their relationship is supported are more likely to express higher levels of relationship satisfaction and commitment, are less likely to break up over time, and they also report fewer mental and physical health problems!”
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Besides the health benefits, there’s also a practical element of valuing your family’s opinion. As Sidorsky points out, “In the long run, family is here to stay…so you might as well try to make this relationship as positive as possible.” And, if all else fails, you can tell your parents “that you have decided to pursue this relationship, and that it would really help if they could be supportive.”
Via Reddit
Whether you’ve been dating for two weeks, just got engaged or have been married for years, it’s not easy when your parents hate your significant other. However, you don’t have to just accept their negative relationship. You can take action – by discussing their issues or promoting positive interactions – to help improve their bond.
Because, in the end, both your parents and your S.O. have a big trait in common: they love you. And, as cliche as it sounds, love may be all that you need to create a happy ending for everyone involved.
